Concavity

I feel the deep grooves in your face
On my fingertips
With every breath
I fall deeper down the smooth sides
Of each

Concavity

You tell me your story
I listen
Grasping onto each word for just too long
Leaping from one note to the other
For just an hour

For rhythm is our time
It goes “pat pat pat” on the sand
Melody is our architecture
Crashing and building with each wave
Music wrapped around your story

Then I almost see it
A murky tear, maybe?
Please, don’t cry
Or I’ll become deaf to the waves
Blind to the moon

As my fingers numb
I desperately run them through your curly, dark hair
Trace your strong brow
Follow the soft edges of your lips
Sink leagues into your face

It’s a dry cold at the bottom
Blue and bruised
A frostbitten field
I am afraid to move
Petrified

A heartbeat
As my arm brushes against the steep wall
Brine flows from the cracks
Along burning red faults
The flood of ages!

The water boils
The billowing steam bellows
The iron is lifted
You are free
To fly away

Goodbye, my Skylark
I loved you when you were cold
I feel you when you can’t
I’ll keep you when you’re old
In my own

Concavity

~Anonymous

Dispatch fr da North

Last Saturday, there was a Halloween show @ shitbox in mid-town Anchorage. A rambunctious affair, here's the band list: the Flying Hearts, Los Gran Torinos, Stubby's Crack Co., Downed By Entrails, and the Spenard Satans. The audio-track bled gypsy punk and black metal. An eternal polka de los muertos. Booze, crimson, street folk/creatures, and even a gawd-damned chainsaw all made appearances. It was the first time I've ever seen beer & vomit icicles on a car. Nerds will never come out of the carpet, still picking up pieces of doors and bookshelves, and we put a few more dents in the ceiling.

Obviously, a grand time was had by all!

~e.b.

All of Me

--Lila enjoys an ocean skinny dip in a barren cove. Boulders confine the cove. Her clothing and accessories cover one boulder. As she swims she sings All of Me be Billie Holiday enchantingly. This may be what men once knew as a siren’s song, as she is a water nymph. Her song causes small strings going to pull unseen objects into the water. Jay finds himself pulled to the cove by one of these strings. As he gets closer, he looks for the song, until he is almost in the water. Her sight shocks him, but not vice-versa. She did not lure him on purpose, but this happens enough that she is not shocked.--

Lila- You took my kisses and all my love. You taught me how to care. Am I to be just remnant of a one side love affair. All you took. I gladly gave. There is nothing left for me to save. All of me. Why not take all of me? Can’t you see?… Hi there… welcome… Aren’t you going to say hello? You boys and your politeness. It always gets in the way of your manners. I’m not afraid, so I’m giving you a second chance… I mean now.

Jay -Hi there, I’m Jay, Jay Edward Howard.

Lila- Three first names?

Jay- Just the two. Howard is a last.

Lila- And unfortunate.

Jay- It’s not fair for you to insult my name, when I don’t know yours.

Lila- You’re getting better, but you can be more direct.

Jay- Fine. What’s your name?

Lila- Lila.

Jay- Lila…?

Lila- Just Lila.

Jay- Ok, just Lila, what brings you out here?

Lila- I was in the mood for a swim.

Jay- Plenty of places in town.

Lila- Oh… well I also like a good sunbathe.

Jay- Well that’s… oh!

Lila- Would it make you more comfortable if I emptied my purse for a swimsuit?

Jay- I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong with nudity to me, I’m naked all the time, I sleep naked eat naked, walk the dog… aren’t you worried someone will see you?

Lila- Why?

Jay- You’re supposed to be… decent.

Lila- And what if I’m indecent?

Jay- Well…

Lila- Why don’t you cool off a bit?.. We’ll be fine if we’re indecent together.

Jay- Another time?

Lila- I’ll pretend I’m blind. Besides, it’s not fair for you to be dry and me to be wet.

Jay- Names are one thing…

Lila- Then go. I like privacy or company, not this.

Jay- I felt compelled. Something drew me here.

Lila- That’s a surprise

Jay- This isn’t unusual.

Lila- Nope. Seems every time I relax, a boy like you has to interrupt me.

Jay- I’m no boy.

Lila- Really? Well then. Are you in or out?

Jay- It is a nice day.

--Jay tentatively disrobes and lowers himself into the water.--

Jay- Oh Sweet Mr. T it’s cold!

Lila- Get a little meat on those bones, like a seal, and you’ll be fine.

Jay- I’ll handle it.

--He swims closer.--

Jay- Watch out, we don’t want to get too close.

Lila- There’s plenty of room.

Jay- But it still is crowded. Why is that?

Lila- Humans crowd the most open spaces.

Jay- It’s not like you’re different… A ha! I knew it. You aren’t normal.

Lila- I do have some large feet.

Jay- No, I mean you’re not a person.

Lila- Sure. What am I then?

Jay- Something drew me to you. A song. Are you a siren?

Lila- Nope.

Jay- Harpy?

Lila- Same thing. And I had no intention of anyone interrupting my vacation.

Jay- But you are something? My grandfather warned me about the sea when I was a boy. Told me of beautiful women who lured you to your deaths. Are you a mermaid planning to drown my in the waves?

Lila- I don’t want to hurt you. I’m just relaxing.

Jay- Then why don’t you tell me?

Lila- Have some fun.

Jay- This isn’t.

--He swims to leave.--

Lila- Wait. I’m teasing. Have you ever heard of selkies?

Jay- You’re a seal?

Lila- Not exactly, legends distort things. As you see, I wear clothes not a pelt. I’m more like a water nymph, an Ephydriad like in ancient Greece.

Jay- My grandfather told me the story of the fisherman whose catch would grant wishes. He had financial issues, he had health issues, he had… issues. Said if he could catch one of you, his life would finally turn around and all his wishes would come true.

Lila- Do I look a koi?

Jay- No, but he said the fish was actually a woman. Can you do that?

Lila- Wishes? Sort of. The ocean has more than land could ever hope to offer. My people have a talent for utilizing it.

Jay- Any chance, you could grant me some?

Lila- Sure I’ll grant you a diamond mountain and rainbows of… Seriously?

Jay- It’s not important.

Lila- I didn’t mean.

Jay- It makes sense; you’re the other kind of nymph.

Lila- Other?

Jay- The wishes you grant are a bit more, in the present.

Lila- Jay…

Jay- Don’t worry, I’m gentle.

Lila
No. No, no, no, no, no. No.

Jay- Wait… what?

Lila- Sorry. You’re an interesting man Jay, but-

Jay- I see, “legends distort.”

Lila- I never said-

Jay- Sure. But if you aren’t going to eat my flesh or take me to your underwater kingdom, then why?

Lila- Can’t I just go for a swim?

Jay- You lured me.

Lila- For what? What makes you that special?

Jay- How should I know, I’m not a sea hor.

Lila- Jay Edward, get out of my ocean.

Jay- I’m not done with my-

--The waves rise an fall in rapid succession. Jay is almost smashed onto the rocks.--

Jay- What the hell you crazy bitch?

Lila- Get out!

Jay- Alright, alright.

--He climbs up, takes away his clothes and flees. The waters calm and Lila eventually resorts to her singing.--

Lila- All of me. Why not take all of me? Can’t you see? I’m no good without you. Take my lips I want to loose them. Take my arms I’ll never use them.

--Jay sneaks back in fully dressed and makes his way to the boulder. When he talks, she is the stunned one.--

Jay- Hey just Lila, I had a thought. My grandfather told me the selkies couldn’t return home if you had their pelt. And the mermaid had to obey the fisherman, because he caught her. So, I wonder, what would happen with these?

--He holds her clothing.--

Lila- Give them back!

Jay- Why?

--The waves rise again.--

Jay- Stop.

--The waves stop.--

Jay- So it works.

Lila- Please, I need them.

Jay- Sorry, they’re mine now.

Lila- No!

--She climbs atop the boulder and grabs her clothes. Jay runs away. She checks to make sure everything is there, but cannot find an earring.--

Lila- My…

Jay- Don’t worry. I’ve got it safe.

Lila- Really?

Jay- Yes, why don’t you come with me, and we’ll work something out.

Lila- Away from the sea? My family?

Jay- You’ll have a new family. Together we’ll make lovely kids and a substantial fortune. Right?

Lila- I…

Jay- You are coming with me.

Lila- I… I know.

Jay- Great, you follow me now. And put some clothes on, you look like a joke.

--Lila dresses in her clothes. They resemble kelp and her jewelry resembles the animals that live on it. Jay beckons and Lila, without any resistance, follows. She knows in this moment, she is hopeless.--

The end

written by Nicholas Seyyed

halloFUCKINGween

perhaps the best way to spend Halloween is at a show with drunk people in skimpy costumes and even better with drunk musicians in skimpy costumes...

Reggaetronic Halloween: A night of Rock and Reggae with Everyday Prophets
720, 720 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 236-1190

Steve Kimock Crazy Engine
Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie Ave., 234-9694

Pierced Arrows, HILLSTOMP, Frank Furter, DJs Miss Carriage and His Terectomy, Mike Daily, Chris Newman Undead Acoustic, Westward the Wagons, Kate Mann, Elvis AN ALL DAY AND NIGHT 15th BDAY BASH
Ash Street Saloon, 225 SW Ash St., 226-0430. $10 after 8 pm, $2 4-8 pm. 21+

Mortal Clay
Backspace, 115 NW 5th Ave., 248-2900. $5. Map

Fall Into Darkness: YOB, Ludicra, Witch Mountain
See listing, page TK. 8 pm. Berbati's Pan, 231 SW Ankeny St., 248-4579. $12 advance, $14 day of show ($30 for 3 day pass). 21+

Howl
10 pm. Branx, 320 SE 2nd Ave., 234-5683

Pepe & the Bottle Blondes, The Slants, Burlesque Acts, DJs and More!
8 pm. Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside St., 225-0047

HALLOWEED
8 pm. Dunes, 1905 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 493-8637. $4

Andaz: Anjali & The Incredible Kid
Fez Ballroom, 316 SW 11th Ave., 221-7262. Map

After Dark: Halloween Pre-Phunk
Groove Suite, 440 NW Glisan., 227-5494

Dr. Adam, Freaky Outy, Colin Jones, DJ Same DNA, DJ Mad Max
9 pm. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639. $3. Map

Girlyman, Lucy Wainwright Roche
9 pm. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., 288-3895. $15 advance, $17 day of show

The Airborne Toxic Event, Henry Clay People, Red Cortez
9 pm. Roseland, 8 NW 6th Ave., 219-9929 (Grill), 224-2038 (Theater). $15 in advance, $17 at door. 21+

Edouble-Market, Lady Collosis, Rythma, ATOM, Forest Avery, Ryan Walz & Mason Robert, LunaLena, Joshua Lee, Patricio, Bounce Brigade, Children of Discord, Sportscars, Solovox, Manoj, El Capitan, Outersect, Medicine For The People, David Starfire, Hydrive, The Twilight Beings
9 pm. Rotture, 315 SE 3rd Ave., 234-5683

Paper Brain, Holy Children
10 pm. The Knife Shop, 426 SW Washington St., 228-3669. $5. 21+
The Parlour

Second Annual Baba Yaga Ball: Vagabond Opera
10 pm. The Woods, 6637 SE Milwaukie Ave., 890-0408. $16 advance, $17 day of show. 21+

Starfucker, Deelay Ceelay, Nice Nice, Wampire
9 pm. Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell St., 284-8686. $14. All ages. Show doubles as a Halloween party/costume contest.

enjoy.

10 brutal albums

So it's almost Halloween. To properly fit in during a time that evokes feelings of violence, brutality, death and the like, you should probably get schooled on all things heavy. So this Halloween night when you are dressing up as a fireman or zombie or a slut or something like that, give the Indie a rest and head in a new direction. Put on some denim, crack a beer, light a doobie, and put up that fist. You know what to do...


10. Mayhem – Dawn of the Black Hearts

Live bootleg from this legendary Norse black metal band. Not actually that brutal, or even good for that matter, but had to be included in this list because of the many absurdities surrounding the band. One member is currently serving time (not a life sentence, I might add) for murdering another bandmate, and numerous members have been convicted of burning churches. The scene featured on this album’s cover is the band’s former singer, Dead, headless and bloody on the ground after shooting himself with a shotgun, pictured to left of his corpse. \m/


9. Corrupted – Se Hace por los Suenos Asesinos

If you consider Sun O)))))))))))) to be the masters of drony noise doom, then you probably haven’t heard Corrupted yet. Long, discordant, unrealistically slow, and creeeepy as fuck. With only three songs and probably less than five chord changes, Se Hace… brings the heavy to the minimalist genre like a Viking skullfucking a lifeless Phillip Glass.


8. Ire – What Seed, What Root?

Classic metal without shitty metal influences. Ire probably listened to more Born Against or Cursed than they did Celtic Frost, but still make brutal music that is definitely not hardcore and definitely is metal. This album was released by CrimethInc. back in the day when Requiem and Catharsis still toured, so you know its heavy. The liner notes probably come with instructions to shellbomb a building or kill a police officer, but I’d suggest finding it for free somewhere on the internet and not supporting an organization that sustains itself by feeding off of the naïve delusions of seventeen year old anarchists.


7. Graf Orlock – Destination Time: Tomorrow

You’ve got to respect a group of film school dropouts who love movies so much that they dedicate their band to celebrating them. And not just any movies… Destination Time: Tomorrow continues the celluloid drenched saga of time travel, shooting xenomorphs, and fighting terrorism. Featuring the likes of gems like Aliens, True Lies, Lethal Weapon II, and The Terminator spliced seamlessly between crushing musicianship, and ending with an epic interpretation of the Jurassic Park theme, this 10” will undoubtedly leave you balls deep and wanting more. And no, it’s not a joke.


6. Asschapel – Fire and Destruction

The only punk album I’ve included on this list, Asschapel was just too perfect to leave out. Sludgy, fast, slow, heavy, riffy at times, and very, very, dirty.


5. Mind Eraser – Conscious/Unconscious

With the third full length from the Northeast’s Mind Eraser, I have to say I was a little surprised. For a band that usually plays ten to fifteen songs in less than twenty minutes, I wasn’t exactly expecting a two song LP that clocks in at just over the twenty minute mark. This is, however, without a doubt the band’s best work to date. Taking all that all that is good about powerviolence and stretching it out into one giant sludgy masterpiece, this band has proved that they are modern kings of brutal music.


4. Nirvana – Bleach

Had to include it. Maybe you don’t want to admit it, but if you like good music and don’t like Nirvana then you are probably fucked in the head and should stop listening to music. Bleach was released in 1989 and was Nirvana’s first album, but has a pretty dramatically different sound than most of their other stuff. Sludgy with lots of distortion and also features some of Kurt Cobain’s best lyrics. One of only two records ever released on Sub Pop to go platinum. I might add that the other best selling three records released by that label are Flight of the Conchords, the Postal Service, and the Shins. Fuck sub pop nirvana rules.


3. Sleep – Dopesmoker

It’s one song. Its sixty-three minutes long. It doesn’t really change. It has skulls and pot leaves on the cover. So. Metal.


2. Eyehategod – Dopesick

Formed 4/20/88. One of the all-time most dope-as-fuck classic sludge metal albums ever, Eyehategod are demons who punish the world with brutal music and drink whisky with Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden in hell. Reigning from New Orleans, Louisiana, this band throws the blues, metal, and punk in a gangbang and shoots heroin in the corner as they jerk off and watch. If you think that you can come up with a more badass and completely fucking legit sound in another band, then you are definitely wrong. Eyehategod is better than your favorite band. I’m sure of it.


1. Cryptopsy – None So Vile

This album gets my number one spot. What has now come to be considered a “benchmark” of technical death metal, None So Vile was just the second full length from these Canadian legends. Featuring the vocals of Lord Worm (who actually ate lots of worms out of a metal chalice at shows), None So Vile is the standard to which all other death metal albums are compared to. Stunning musicianship, undecipherable lyrics, and enough blast beats to kill a small child, this is the most brutal album I can think of.

-ds

make miles

I killed a frog the other week. I used a pair of stainless steel shears. I slid one blade gently into its mouth and put the other right behind its eyes on top of its head. Then I squeezed and severed its spinal column. It died immediately. Then I cut off one of its legs.

Later, I sat on the porch and talked to Sarah for a while. I told her how I read a book once where empathy was the last tattered vestige to humanity we had left, where outside of that, outside of something which, as excruciating as it may be, was ultimately indescribable and perhaps not real, or at least to our skin and to our intellect, existed miles upon miles of both flesh and steel and not a single difference between them. A lot of people saw the movie.

For a long, long time, I thought my empathy would be my savior. Empathy taught me to be human, but I fear that I lost a vital part of my humanity along the way. Feeling was replaced by knowing – knowing of limits and values. Responsibility and virtue are similar culprits. There is, no doubt, beauty in virtue, but not if virtue is a shield for breath. So, I think this is me, abandoning. Giving up on my former edifices, built with the bloody stones of others’ footsteps and stacked mercilessly upon the foundations of doubt, recoil, and limit. That’s what knowledge is, what knowledge tries to instill in the hearts of youth and our allies.

Well, fuck knowledge. I’ll take sensation any day. Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to try really hard to forget my inhibitions. I don’t want to be held back by foundations anymore. I’m not going to sulk in mediocrity anymore. Tomorrow, I’m going to get really, really, excited.

And, in retrospect, when all has been said and I have prevailed, I wonder if I’ll look back on these four years and laugh. Of course I won’t, but I might want to. I’ll try hard to forget little things, wanderings, mistakes and the like. And then some day I’ll remember that it all happened – it did. Experience will be our monolith to the sky, our answer to the gods. Strangle life by the throat and you will be rewarded.

-ds

A Series of Lists Regarding Last Night

Here's a list of reasons you didn't go see Why? play with Mt. Eerie at the Wonder Ballroom last night:

1. You went to Grizzly Bear instead.
2. You had to write a paper, probably about Virgil or Homer or some greek shit like that.
3. You stuck around the house for some quality time with a bottle of Inglenook and your old copy of "The Perks of Being A Wallflower" meditating to the sound of your loneliness with your Low playlist on repeat and shuffle at full volume.
4. Still recoiling from the Pamphlette's accusation about murderous anti-semitic activities at Lewis and Clark, you were busy writing an angry letter to the editor.


Here's what you missed:

1. Phil Elverum has apparently left his folky pleasant strums behind for this tour and picked up two drummers, another guitar player and two keyboard players (with four keyboards) to form what looks to be the best heavy, melodic, transcendent and tranquil slowcore band I've heard in a while (see "Low" above). It was awesome, even if the crowd couldn't manage to shut the fuck up for 30 minutes during their set. It made me want to listen to their 2008 "Black Wooden Ceiling Opening," even though they didn't play a single song from that record. They did play a metal-ass version of "Lost Wisdom" though.

2. Why? tore it up. Not only was Yoni Wolf spot on vocally, his brother Josiah Wolf provided a rhythm section that was un-fucking-shakable, Andrew Broder (Fog) killed the guitar, Mark Erickson (also Fog) headbanged unnecessary amounts, and ridiculously good keyboard player Doug Mcdiarmid was hot in a Don Draper after work kind of way.

3. Most of the songs were from "Alopecia", because that's still what people seem to know best. That's ok, but the new album is better. The songs he played off of "Eskimo Snow" were the most dynamic and engaging, while his hip-hop material garnered more arm waving and pointing.

4. Yoni Wolf danced, a lot. Remember Rick Moranis? Never forget.


So here's a list of things you should have gathered from this article:

1. Grizzly Bear is pretty good, but you probably went to the wrong show.

2. Greek and Latin are boring and so are the stories they told, even if some fancypants fop in the 18th century decided to translate them into english.

3. Drinking alone is sad unless there's a really good reason to.

4. Sometimes too clever means not funny.

5. Mount Eerie has been good since before you started listening to real music. They are still getting better. Go buy "Black Wood Ceiling Opening" and "No Flashlight" and The Microphones' "The Glow Pt. 2."

6. Two drummers ALWAYS makes a band better.

7. The Wonder Ballroom's sound guy knows what's up.

8. So does Why? go get "Eskimo Snow" and drunkenly request those songs next time he's in town.


All in all, good shit. I kind of wish they would have play a Hymie's Basement track though.

-Will

he's a come back kid...

no seriously folks, COMING SOON: the return of our star-studded contributors!

Keep Your Eyes Peeled: Summer Releases

Artist: Elvis Costello Album: Secret, Profane & Sugarcane Release Date: June 2

Artist: Black Meteoric Star Album: Black Meteoric Star Release Date: June 9 Label: DFA

Artist: Sonic Youth Album: The Eternal Release Date: June 9

Artist: Anti-Flag Album: People Or The Gun Release Date: June 9

Artist: Dinosaur Jr. Album: Farm Release Date: June 23

Artist: The Mars Volta Album: Octahedron Release Date: June 23

Artist: Wilco Album: Wilco (The Album) Release Date: June 30

Artist: The Cave Singers Album: Welcome Joy Release Date: August 18 Label: Matador

Artist: Arctic Monkeys Album: ? Release August 25 in the U.S. Date: August 18 Label: Domino

Artist: Yo La Tengo Album: Popular Songs Release Date: September 8 Label: Matador

and dont forget to check out the feast spring left for us to chow on...

Iron&Wine: Around the Well
Ben Folds: Ben Folds Presents University A Cappella!
Dirty Projectors: Bitte Orca
White Rabbits: It's Frightening
Jane's Addiction: A Cabinet of Curiosities
Bob Dylan: Together Trough Life

-mh

Coffee House Crawl

Imagine bar hopping without the hang over. Sounds glourious right? Well, this past Saturday a-COFFEE SHOP a-hoppin' I did a-go. Portland has a gargantuan plethora of quality coffee joints, all of which I wanted to take advantage of. Ergo, in a single morning I hit elven different coffee shops and one cupcake bakery (didn't even know PDX had one of thoes)! While in each shop, I observed the good, the bad, the ugly, and the kind of music playing. Most of the shops I stopped in were hip and with it, but a few were just plain bizarre or worse, bland as grape nuts. My coffee house crawl went a little something like this:

1. Portland Coffee House (SW Alder and Broadway)- Good: free sample of biscotti, super comfy chairs. Bad: busy, could use more staff and space, music volume was too loud, had to shout to in order to hold a conversation. Ugly: had to elbow through a crowd of bums to get inside Music: odd assortment of Kings of Leon, Mos Def, They Must be Giants, Tapes N Tapes, and Willie Nelson Best For: Mexican Mocha and people watching
2. Pete's Coffee and Tea (SW Washington St. and Broadway) Good: spacious, anniversary tea Bad: small chairs, music was too soft. Ugly: it's a commercial cookie cutter chain, staff was grumpy. Music: always Classical, romantic/classic era Mozart and Beethoven. Best For: people watching (you can sit at one window bar and and watch the people seated outside's entire conversation)
3. Bikini Coffee (SW 5th Ave. and Alder) Good: baristas in bikinis!? Bad: customers were both creep men. Ugly: hole-in-the-wall small. Music: none, the barista answered in response to my question "What sort of music do you play here?" with "Music? What do you mean, like people? No we don't really do that." Best For: oogling if you're into girls. (watch this)
4. Java Man Coffee (Chinatown) Good: fast service. Bad: everything else, opens to the street and is drafty. Ugly: airport coffee stand feel. Music: Doris Day and 50's Atlantic City Lounge music. Best For: if you're on the go.
5. StumpTown Coffee Roasters! (SW 3rd Ave. just past Oak St.) Good: local art, chic furniture, quality selection of magazines to buy (Adbusters, Paste, Vice), best dark roast, bike parking, turn tables! Bad: if you're not an inoculated hipster, you may not fit in here. Ugly: nothing, it's a beautiful place for beautiful people (just ask Colin Meloy). Music: vinyl baby! space for performance, Paul Simon, Tears for Fears, Patsy Cline, Quite Riot, Elliot Smith, Bob Seger, Duran Duran, Ratatat. Best For: hipsters.
6. World Cup Coffee & Tea (inside Powell's Books) it was silent here...very fitting for a book store. Music: none. Best For: reading whatever you just bought.
7. Sip & Kranz (the pearl NW 10th just past Johnson St.) Good: breakfast- the works oatmeal, apple cider, warmth and sunshine, across from a park if you'd like too oogle other people's dogs. Bad: the occasional screaming child. Ugly: there weren't actually any crayons damn it, I wanted to color. Music: Teddy Geiger Pop and last year's top 100 hits. Best For: Pearl district families and eating with your dog on the patio.
8. Via Delizia (NW Marshall St. and 11th) Good: friendly staff, faux Italian themed. Bad: faux Italian themed, doubles as a bistro. Ugly: nothing too bad. Best For: cheap n yummy gelato.
9. URBAN GRIND (NW 14th Ave. and Kearney St.) Good: EVERYTHING!, buckets of comfy chairs and ample seating, cheap and delicious coffee and baked goods, thousands of electrical plugs, free wifi, great meeting space, bodacious green walls, friendly staff, free magazines to read, quality, class, comfort. Bad: location, it's a trek from downtown. Ugly: nothing. Music: Classic Rock, beBop jazz, Led Zeppelin, Blizin Trapper, Miles Davis Best. For: Studying and getting shit done.
10. Pio Square Starbucks (Broadway and Morrison) Good: quick service but... Bad: long lines, it's a space to be moved through. Ugly: it's a commercial cookie cutter chain. Music: Pre-selected Starbucks Compilations, which are usually inaudible. Best For: waiting for the Raz out of the rain.
11. Grendel's Coffee House (NE Burnside and 8th Ave.) Good: steamed soy milk and cinnamon, perky staff, cheap eats, free wifi and free computers (if you forget yours). Bad: on a busy street. Ugly: nothing. Best For: posting event flyers, someone on a budget.
12. CupCakeJones (NW 10th and Evertt St.) $1.50 gourmet mini cupcakes...need I say more.

There you have it, my coffee shop hop. My head was a buzz and my feat were beat, but at least I can now give the thumbs up to Urban Grind, StumpTown, and Grendel's with some confidence. You could take my word for it or try these shops on for size yourself, find which one is your golden atmosphere. Go forth and coffee shop crawl my friends!

-mh

Spring, 2009

This is a picture of my dad, skiing.

I’m getting some new hair. I gotta change my identity; protect myself from the evil that crawls the water-fountain lined streets of downtown Portland. I’m like the queen of stupid, the go-to-girl-to-heckle, the chick with the big brown hair. Round’n’round Chinatown, they know me, aint never goin back- without a new do.

It was a good day when it happened. The sky was pale with clouds, all ribbed like scrunched pieces of binder paper trying to unfold. We were all on our third slice of tender pizza and just chucking runts at people in front of the Roseland. It seemed like a cool idea to suck off all the sugary aspirin coating and then fake-punch each other- you know, to make it look like we just got 6 molars fucking blown out of our mouth, all from just one of Haley’s monstrous punches. We were living like pigs, like dogs, living in the world, eating pizza and runts, and shoulder tapping people who looked cool enough. Crumpled down into a gutter, we leaned back and tried to digest the sticky ball of shit that had grown into a horrible mess in our stomachs. Things started to get weird. Haley and I closed our eyes, humming Ave Maria, breathing slowly and harnessing our voices. We laughed like mad men after, all warm and cozy at six pm on a Saturday. We turn around and there’s this guy, what’s his name? “Joshie, his name’s Joshie. Oh dat? Dats Joshie!” All right.

“Hay, you girls look like you be needin something”

“What, you need a hotel room of something, I can get that”

“Oh, you girls need some booze, eh, shit I can get you that right o’er here.”

“Ya, I saw that Asian’ lookin chick eyen’ me, she’s all like, scopin people out an stuff, looking at me.”

“You from Madison, Shit I’m from Milwaukee,”

“Ya, I like it over there, Wisconsin’s where shits at”

“Yeah grew up there, “

“Well, I’m here now, ya, Now I write screen plays”

“You know, movies and stuff, screen plays, like that”

“So four forties then, an what I get in return man, I aint doin this for free”

“Naw I get something”

“Three dollars isn’t good, girl, weak”

“What’s your deal now huh”

“Alright she’s got some type of funk n shit”

“This girl means business, she knows what she wants”

“That shit wack, ya’ll be talking too much”

“Theres like a puddle over there, and she’s all like noooo, don’t talk to me, and the Asian lookin chick is the one who was checking me out. We gonna do this o what”

“Hey y aim AbulaDouchey, want summa this”

“Naw I don’t do that stuff, wife wouldn’t like it, got some kids, to think bout”

“Oh, him? He Joshie!”

“Dats Lil Prince Billy, he’s got the money”

“Here take this, ya know”

“Why not, what you think this be a good idea, Ill do it better, free”

“Hay, Lil Prince Billy!”

“Faith in humanity, you say you got faith in humanity?”

“She says she got faith in humanity”

“Joshie gun come back, faith in humanity!”

“Didn’t have it, all out, c’mon lets go oer here”

“Lets go oer here, now”

“Luts go now here”

“Jus right there, now”

“No, I ain’t givin nothing back”

“no”

“No.”

“No!”

“NO!”

“Hay! And she’d got all this faith in humanity! Faith in humanity! NO! Faith in humanity! Faith in humanity! NO! Faith in Humanity!

“No, not getting anything back, gave it to me, see.”

“Wahtchu do is you go now and chu call 9-1-1, see that’s what chu do.”

“FAITH IN HUMANITY!”

And then we ran. We just ran. For about seven blocks, until the pizza and runts almost escaped. I trusted Joshie, some fucking creep in a Rastafarian yamika and scuffed Airwalks with my fifteen bucks.  And Abuladouchey, the one with the small outline of a tear drop tattoo nestled in the right cornea. Like Lil Wayne, Birdman, that one guy in Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, he’s been in the clinker. And Little Prince Billy, the bald one in a faded Rip Curl long sleeve t-shirt, with wrinkled palms cupping six one dollar bills and a baby afro hairbrush; disregarding his apparent lack of hair. And then everyone else, the homeless day walkers of Portland proper. Half dead, half blind, half fried, crusty people, trundling along in whirring motorized scooters, shitting in their pants, scraping their one ambulatory leg along the cement, dragging the ghost of another leg a couple feet behind. I hate these people. I hate my hair too, Harajuku; I need new hair.

I got heckled, left without my dignity, and money, and now scared and slapped with a streak of sour vulnerability. But I still had my good’ ol, goddamn, god forsaken FAITH IN HUMANITY. I should have flashed my t-shirt; it said “Leave Me Alone” in confrontational Helvetica font. I want to repeatedly spit out millions of sweet tiny runt teeth into Joshie’s poisonous yellow eyes; I also kind of want to kill him. I felt like a puddle of fear and shame, a puddle of curdled milk and chilled clam chowder. No more will I fork over a quarter for an independent homeless publication, “Street Sheet” or “Street Spirit.” I hate the Portland day walkers: Joshie, Abuladouchey, and Little Prince Billy. “Leave Me Alone.”

We did rediscover the spirit of resiliency within us and hobble over to Dekum manor, only to sit and sulk in the linoleum tiled kitchen while watching two pudgy, Mervyns-wearing, Reebok-lacing, squishy girls eat each others faces whilst gyrating to this shitty New Orleans gumbo band with a fucking saxophone. Life sucks. But then this guy with a big red beard who we met earlier in the day came to the party and bought us an eighteen-pack of PBR for free and that’s all folks. Happy Saturday in FartLand Oregon! The End!

 By Lauren Fischer

 

Dan Deacon- Bromst (2009)

colorful-crayon music, dance till your feet fall off, one heck of a good time! These are all accurate descriptions of electronic musician, Dan Deacon's newest album. Most of the album was recorded live with a full sized ensemble, a delightfully new and kickin' contrast to Deacon's single handed power of effect pedals and wave function generators on past work. BROMST, as it's titled, is a step in the right maturing direction for Deacon. Since 2007's SPIDER MAN OF THE RINGS, Deacon has bee a busy bee both inside the studio and out. He states, "[Spiderman of the Rings] was very carefree and youthful -- sort of partying for the sake of partying. This record is less about a party and more about a celebration" on NPR's Talk of the Nation. Indeed, Bromst is one gargantuan and energetic celebration. So, turn on the beats and celebrate!

rating: 9

Track picks: "Ref F" "Wet Wings"

M. Ward- Hold Time (2009)

Typically after listening to any of M. Ward's past studio albums, I will swoon, I will admire, I will even Google his name to try and find where he hides in Portland making his old-soul music, hoping that he'll invite me to join in. But when I gave M. Ward's most recent release a listen, no such reactions were inspired. It may be that Ward is moving on, taking a slightly more performer pace in today's rapid momentum that is music. As a follow up to both 2006's POSTWAR and 2007's TO GO HOME EP, HOLD TIME just does not hold the same time as Ward's past lyrical motifs and nostalgic melodies. For this album, Ward collaborated with such artists as Tom Hagerman of Devotchka, Peter Broderick from Horse Feathers, Zooey Deschanle of She and Him, and Lucinda Williams. Paradoxically, most of Ward's collaborations pick him up when he sings of being down. On track "Oh Lonesome Me," Lucinda William's man-haggard honky-tonk voice is a glaringly shrill comparison to Ward's swimmingly lush and soothingly sorrowful vocals. The combination makes for the worst track of the album. As critical as my word's have been, amazing and enjoyable still are Ward's tantalizing guitar skills and groovy timpani beats. Just simply being touched by M. Ward makes HOLD TIME a cut above the rest, but for my own M. Ward expectations this album falls short.

rating: 7

track picks: "Never Had Nobody Like You" "To Save Me" "Shangri-La"

so You thiNk YOu CaN DJ?

The other afternoon I scrambled to the KLC studio after class, punched in the door code wicked fast, and fell face first on the studio's dilapidated forest green couch. It had been a super long day. I was bone tired, and desperately need to stop, drop, and no I wasn't on fire...just needed to sleep. Thereafter, I decided to browse the CAVE (our gigantic Music Library) while I waited for my time slot to come up for my show (Dear Audio Abby every Thurs 12-2pm). This was a bad idea. With what started out as pulling two maybe three cds for listening rapidly grew into a small mountain of albums piled high in the corner for burning (for FREE!). Once I gathered the music I was going to play for that day's show, I sat reading all the profound hieroglyphics scrawled across the cave walls. One such statement reads, "this is a fucking profound statement ." I went on to play some tunes, answer some questions from an impromptu interview with a passing by Templeton friend, rant about bureaucratic 21+ venues, and answer some advice letters MUSICALLY. After my show was over and it was time to go back into the "world outside KLC," I realized that I was rested, rejuvenated, revitalized, and most importantly, sane again. KLC, my Prozac! What a wonderful place to be a part of.

for more reading about being a radio dj click here

-monique halgat

Dr. Dog, The Cave Singers, Golden Boots WONDER BALLROOM

I would have rather dealt with the worst, most slick ticket monger in the world than have had gone though the hassle I did to see Dr. Dog at the Wonder Ballroom. Me, as brilliant as I have proven to be, thought it clever to buy tickets from the Wonder Ballroom box office and beat the TicketMaster service charge. Ergo, a friend of mine and I checked the box office hours of business and printed out directions. Here I thought I was being so pennywise AND stickin' it to the man. But nobody told me how difficult it is to stick it to the man when you print out the wrong directions and the box office tenant never shows up for work. At this point, I thought about resorting to Craig's List but then remembered my past experience buying tickets off Craig's List. The last time I tried that route I got a call back for "two hours of pure pleasure" and an inquiry about an antique oak dresser set. As for Dr. Dog, I eventually gave in and bought the tickets for twice the price on TicktMaster.

Despite my ticket hassle, the show was WONDERfully delightful. Dr. Dog, the Cave Singers, and the Golden Boots (none of them were actually wearing golden boots but that is just fine by me) played Portland's NE Wonder Ballroom Wednesday April 15th. It was a night filled with pirate shirts, lead-heavy guitars, washboard folk diddys, melodica melodies, and killer sunglasses coupled with stylish facial hair.

New to my music radar, the Golden Boots were a pleasant surprise of psychedelic folk rock and two drum sets. Rapidly becoming one of my favorite acts, Seattle's Cave Singers tore up the stage and left the crowd abuzz with excitement. Their on-stage camaraderie and jump-jiving tunes have kept me coming back for more, five times in the past year to be exact. Once the night had warmed up, Dr. Dog rolled out in a puff of pot smoke and quelled the rambunctious crowd with an EASY BEAT. Their set was complete with mood lighting and area rug! To my surprise they played what seemed like nearly one billion songs. Their encore even had a staggering five songs! I most enjoyed Dr. Dog's collective dancing on-stage. I never knew that people could bop for the entirety of their performance. The lead singer even had duck taped his shoe because he had toe-tapped it in half. Like the heel of Toby's shoe the night was never motionless. I would highly suggest investing in the TicketMaster service charge to see such a WONDERfully delightful performance live.


-mh

nurses

Seems as if Portland is the refuge for musicians who want to make real art these days. "Down with commercialization! Down with popularity! Down with the ugg boot! We're moving to Portland", said music nomads THE NURSES. After drifting from Chicago to Southern California to Idaho and back and forth and in between, this quartet has finally found a happy home in the hills of Portland. They currently have two albums to their name, debuting with //Hangin' Nothin' But Our Hands Down\\ in 2007 and mostly recently wrapping up recording //Apple’s Acre\\. If you're into Animal Collective, Q and not U, or the Born Ruffians, chances are you'll swoon over the Nurses. With swirling floktronic melodies and lush Bohemian beats, the Nurses are sure to find Portland a warm and welcoming home. You can hear them live this Saturday the 25th at the Doug Fir Lounge and keep tabs on all things Nurses at MYSPACE or ROCKYMOUNTAINSTREAM ...you can even download their single "Lita" at WillametteWeek .

(pictures courtesy of http://mainstreamisntsobad.blogspot.com/)

-mh

SUNBURN 2009!

(the Nurases)


(Personifying O)


(Free Food!)


-mh

Proverbial masturbation

"There's nothing different between us sitting here drinking Olde English in a field, that guy gardening, and going to a music festival. It's all like masturbation. We're the same [unchanged] people, just with new experiences."

"We're trying to do our job, and you are impeding us. This is private property and if you don't like it you can leave."

Why do we do the things we do? In some ways we are following a trail and making decisions when we come to forks in the path. In other ways our choices don't really affect the outcome, and simply reflect a series of miscommunications, or the abstractions that allow individuals to move forward in competing postmodern dichotomies. By this I mean that our actions are in reaction to the narratives that we are presented and thereby implies that our knowledge is framed in a way that relies on limitations rather than holism for response.

I've been feeling flashes of anger in greater frequency. Rage is putting pressure on my daily interactions without a healthy outlet. This is alien to my usual demeanor, a new signal to a brain that is generally a demure pattern of highs and lows. I can't explain why these impulses of violence have been gaining footing in my emotional terrain. My justification of passing through mental and physical transition does not fully explain the rising bile that I hide behind my face. Rather there is some mysterious, undefinable force on my psyche that leads to uncharacteristic moments of genuine hatred. 'It's not you,' I promise inside, 'but just a stressful day, or too little sleep.' I continue to smile and nod sympathetically.

But underneath the surface I am ready to punch through your skin. Not just to cause a bruise, I want to push past your bones and blood. I am grasping for any justification (or relishing in the absence of such) to turn your body into a dark smear on the wall. To quote Dead Moon (who provide enough material in their repertoire to cover any circumstance): "I'm already gone." I am turned against you and all the institutions, attitudes, and beliefs you represent. While my expression doesn't show it, I don't really care about what you have to say, because I know you don't care what I do. You are so ready to place everything into such neat boxes, to reduce all the phenomena to your preconceived ways of understanding. I am only standing here silently, listening to your complaints and sorrows, because my brain just can't react quick enough to motivate my tongue into a clever retort. As such, I am visualizing your demise and putting all my frustrations into the tense fist that you don't see. Someday this fist will be so tight, with my nails digging into the molecules that make my bones, that I will unleash it to destroy the world. Then I will relish in the visceral joy of destruction, the screams and needless pain that will soothe my fiery soul. The glass and flesh and metal will all be annihilated, reduced to their atomic blocks, to become clouds of smithereens.

I will then rearrange this dust into a more harmonious and productive reality. One that integrates all the opposing mentals into systems of reaction. The obstacles to transmission of individual meaning will be broken - all the expressions and words and images that confuse our daily communications will be removed. In this utopia we will respect each other as individuals deserving rights, regardless of social position, blood, or species. We will speak straight to eachother, without defensive or obscuring phrases. Similarly we will see straight into each other, with no deflections of appearance. The new dawn will be bright and harsh and warm after the cold that enshrouds our fanciful, mystified modernities.

We're Fucking Presidents!

I recently got to sit down with one of Portland's fresh new groups...

Q: Can we start with the basics- line up, genre, name?
A: Sure thing! We are We’re Fucking Presidents and our current line up includes JFK (lead guitar), Lincoln (string base), Teddy Roosevelt (drums), one of the Harrison Brothers? , Andrew Jackson (vox and harmonica), James Garfield (theremin), McKinley (fake British accent), and occasionally Regan on the bongos. All members either have been assassinated or had an attempt on their life. As for genre, we’d say post industrial, ska punk, adult contemporary…

Q: Would you agree your group’s claim to fame is your band name? If so, please tell us more about it.
A: Well, it’s got a double meaning…naturally it came to us one day when we realized we were both Presidents and were having sex with presidents.


an action shot! Most of the band members also work at Best Buy to supplement their income.

Q: What are your inspirations- musical or non?
A: (Andrew Jackson) Personally, I’m heavily influenced by baroque and try to incorporate the jaw-harp into much of my music but as a band we’re all just one big family…were not afraid of electric either! (JFK) Personally-shmersonally, for sure cubism, Hitler as an artist, and industrial light music. Oh and we started as groupies for Spray paint for puppies so…

Q: As “up-and-coming” to the PDX music scene, what can we expect to see from you next?
A: We’re working on a MySpace page. And we’re currently recording a concept album. We originally were developing the idea of an old man making a theme park out of cloned dinosaurs…but turns out that’s already been done. Now were set to go with this idea of an alien comes down to earth, befriends a young boy and enjoys eating chocolate covered peanut treats. Oh oh and we’ve rented a van in preparation for Spray Paint for Puppies summer tour, we’re opening!

Q: Last question, why should we make it to your next show?
A: Two words, laser pointers. Don’t forget the mosh pit campfires too!

Special thanks go out to the Lewis & Clark College Forest Staff and insomnia, without the two this exclusive interview could not have been possible.

disclaimer: to hear a real band or two attend SUBURN music fest SAT APRIL 11th on the Lewis&Clark College campus!


-mh

5 Places to Get Your Drink on in PDX if You're Not 21

1. House Shows -- Long the safe haven of underage fun, house shows are a great way to drink and see great bands, or get real shwasty and think you saw good bands. Places of note: Dekum Manor is great, getting all the way there is half the fun -- but don't drink in the Dekum park, or this will lead to horrible encounter with Portland's few redneck children. This is speaking from true, fact-based experiences.

2. Outside of Real Venues -- If you can't beat them, don't fucking join them. There are many great places in the surrounding neighborhoods of real venues, why pay money to see White Fang sober? The Artistery, although they're dicklers about drinking inside the venue, apparently have no qualms with you hitting the brew once you set foot on their porch. And the Hawthorne, fuck it for all of its shittiness, has a great surrounding neighborhood in which to make future non-memories. Pet the cats if you're there. Drinking doesn't have to be a hassle, explore!

3. First/Third/Every(?) Thursday -- Feel uncultured, sitting there on your bed swinging a Ribbon? Why not get tanked and look at some fucking art? The Pearl District has some great galleries to walk around and pop one open in every Thursday, and being drunk is an awesome way to look like you're totally into this woodcarving of a hand giving a thumbs up. The drunker you get, the longer you'll stare at the art piece, and the more intellectual you'll seem. If you're so drunk it's hard to hold yourself up, people will just think the art is affecting you that much.

4. On the RAZ -- Not that it's ever done, but if I were really in a pinch and couldn't stand to walk around in the cold without some liquid heat, then crack a brew on the bus on your way downtown! Don't try this on the TriMet, because everyone will want in on your drink -- riding the TriMet sober is one of the more painful experiences for Portlanders.

5. That Parking Lot in the Pearl -- Why let bourgeois lofts and snotty mid-30's couples bring you down? There's a great lot in the Pearl to hang out in and do your thing, and why not go around town and discover