fml

I think about the impending apocalypse so much that I honestly don't know where to start right now. Ask any of my friends: at any mention of the environment, politics, disease, religion, innocent and fluffy lap dogs -- all of it inevitably and effortlessly directs me to my topic of choice, the end of the world. How will the world end? With a bang? A whimper? Jesus? Muhammad? Quetzalcoatl and Muhammad teaming up to really fairly judge everyone, maybe with Kali around to act as tiebreaker? Maybe with no one around. Maybe just with a lot of chaos and a lot of Avian bird flu and my lovely brick house in Maine that's so close to the Atlantic -- well, that will be underwater.

I'm alternately drawn to and depressed by optimistic apocalyptic theories. Depressed because I'm more of a pessimist (or at least a very well-disguised optimist), and so I hate to see people pathetically get there hopes up when, yeah, there will be fire and brimstone and shit. No happiness. But, well, just in case a few humans are destined to survive… I am prepared, you know! Not well-prepared, by any means… I smoke too many cigarettes, I can't do a single push-up (yes, not a single push-up), once I almost tried shooting a gun until I chickened out and decided not to, and, even though I go to Lewis & Clark, I'd take a hot shower and comfy bed over a camping trip any day. But I have this friend, see. He is not only a wilderness survival expert in a really non-crazy-person way, but he's also a genius. (Like, really the smartest kid I know.) And I've already let him know that I'm planning on us spending winter break '12 together, and he's down to take me under his wing when we're forced to fight for survival following whatever shit's inevitably going to go down on December 21st. And if it's not winter break '12, well, I'll still be trying to stay within a day's journey by foot from him until we've got reversed global warming (lawls), have miraculously orchestrated a nuclear-free Earth (ditto), have gotten this crazy world population growth under control (…ditto. Goddammit), etc, etc, and… Until they realize what a stupid fucking idea the Large Hadron Collider is and agree to destroy it. (Scientific advancement… What the fuck. Maybe there was supposed to be some mystery in life.)